Rasputin Speaks: 2.27.12

Most exalted Rasputin,
After I'd fallen asleep last night, my blissful slumber was interrupted at around 2am by a loud and persistent buzzing. Being half asleep, I thought it was my alarm going off, so I grabbed my phone only to see that it was an incoming call from one Noam Chomsky. I wasn't sure at the time if this was some bizarre message from my subconscious, but I didn't think about it too long, and fell back asleep almost immediately. When I woke up for good, several hours later, I rechecked my phone and saw that I really did have a missed call from Noam Chomsky at 1:58 am. How does my phone recognize the caller as Noam Chomsky since I don't have his phone number? Also, why was Mr. Chomsky calling in the middle of the night?
Thank you,
Beth C.


Dear Miss C.,

Thank you for your most intriguing question. Although rare, the Ask Rasputin Information Database reports 37 nighttime calls from Mr. Chomsky to a variety of individuals throughout the world, though most are located in the United States. Although a few aspects of the nocturnal Chomsky Calls remain a mystery even to some members of the Rasputin Team, please refer to the information below for details that will elucidate the causes and implications of your experience.

It is first necessary to establish that Noam Chomsky is as wily and enigmatic as he is prolific in his writings. His actions are thus difficult to understand, though not impossible. It will interest you to know that all telephones recognize Mr. Chomsky when he calls, even when the recipient of the call does not know him. This is true of all phones, cellular or otherwise, and is the case even when Mr. Chomsky is calling from a phone other than his own, such as one found in public or in a hotel room.  This strange, universal telephonic recognition has followed him since the age of sixteen.

Turning our attention to your more specific circumstance, we wish to note initially that no recipient of the Chomsky Call has yet understood the intent motivating his communication. Your incident included, only one recipient answered the call, but the individual was so fatigued and incoherent that she ended it shortly after answering. It is therefore impossible to determine with complete accuracy Mr. Chomsky's reasons for calling, though our research strongly suggests that his motivation for each call includes any one of the following:

1. To tell a knock knock joke. Mr. Chomsky, along with millions of others, loves the highbrow jests of the knock knock joke, and commands a staggering arsenal of over 10,000 such jokes, around 5,000 of which are originals.

2. To discuss universal grammar theory.

3. To guess the color of your pillowcase. Theorists suspect that he keeps a log with extensive information on pillowcase colors, along with a number of other variables, hidden somewhere within his living quarters.

We are confident that if you search your mind for answers, you will understand what motivated Mr. Chomsky to give you the quite singular nighttime phone call.

Our very best,

The Ask Rasputin Team

Rasputin Speaks: 2.4.12

Respected ones,
What is the best way to get the positive attention of a girl who absolutely despises me?
J.A.

Dear J.A.,
We apologize for the delay in our response. Because every relationship is unique, your question was difficult to answer without performing background research. We deployed Ask Rasputin correspondents in your area to research the case shortly after you submitted your question, and we have delayed our response to gather an adequate quantity of information. Our analysis of your life and of the woman of interest has been most informative; please note our suggestions below.

1. Feed her. For your convenience, we include a list of items that would prove most effective for gaining her positive attention.
-Steamed broccoli
-Toast
-Home-cooked hamburgers
-Small balls of lard covered in cinnamon
-Pixie Stix
-Grilled sturgeon

2. Offer her a scalp massage.
You are both very obviously scalp-oriented people and you must capitalize on this commonality. Be sure to mention scalps and your passion towards them when you speak with her. When she begins to feel more comfortable around you, both of you may more freely discuss your scalp love. Often when this happens, the conversation shifts towards a focus on the history of the scalp rub, and this is an ideal time for you to offer her a most excellent scalp massage. Be sure to perform the massage from a wooden stool in front of a grated fire while she is seated on a pillow.

3. Learn several Egyptian tongue-twisters.
This is the final step. After a pleasant meal of grilled sturgeon and steamed broccoli, and during a pleasant evening-time scalp massage, recite a few Egyptian tongue-twisters to finalize the process. Her surprise and utter content will be apparent.

We wish you the very best of luck at achieving the positive attention you most certainly deserve.
With emotion,
The Ask Rasputin Correspondents