Rasputin Speaks: 2.4.12

Respected ones,
What is the best way to get the positive attention of a girl who absolutely despises me?
J.A.

Dear J.A.,
We apologize for the delay in our response. Because every relationship is unique, your question was difficult to answer without performing background research. We deployed Ask Rasputin correspondents in your area to research the case shortly after you submitted your question, and we have delayed our response to gather an adequate quantity of information. Our analysis of your life and of the woman of interest has been most informative; please note our suggestions below.

1. Feed her. For your convenience, we include a list of items that would prove most effective for gaining her positive attention.
-Steamed broccoli
-Toast
-Home-cooked hamburgers
-Small balls of lard covered in cinnamon
-Pixie Stix
-Grilled sturgeon

2. Offer her a scalp massage.
You are both very obviously scalp-oriented people and you must capitalize on this commonality. Be sure to mention scalps and your passion towards them when you speak with her. When she begins to feel more comfortable around you, both of you may more freely discuss your scalp love. Often when this happens, the conversation shifts towards a focus on the history of the scalp rub, and this is an ideal time for you to offer her a most excellent scalp massage. Be sure to perform the massage from a wooden stool in front of a grated fire while she is seated on a pillow.

3. Learn several Egyptian tongue-twisters.
This is the final step. After a pleasant meal of grilled sturgeon and steamed broccoli, and during a pleasant evening-time scalp massage, recite a few Egyptian tongue-twisters to finalize the process. Her surprise and utter content will be apparent.

We wish you the very best of luck at achieving the positive attention you most certainly deserve.
With emotion,
The Ask Rasputin Correspondents