Most sublime Ask Rasputin correspondents,
When someone falls down on the ice is it okay to laugh or just walk away?
-Arabella
Dearest Arabella,
Thank you for your question. We are pleased to inform you that we have formulated an equation to identify exactly when laughing is appropriate when another person falls on the ice.
Please note the equation below:
L=1 if F>175, given that F = 50H + 15.2A + 20J
where
L=Laugh
F=Fallen person of interest
H= This refers to how badly hurt you presume an individual to be after falling. Input a 1 if the individual is not hurt, or a 0 if he or she is.
A=Annoyance rank on a scale from 1-100. It is most humorous to see annoying people fall.
J=Jerkiness of the fallen on a scale from 1-100. This measure refers either to the fallen's personality or to the amount of Jamaican spices covering his or her body at the time of the fall.
While an individual is falling through the air, input the relevant values and calculate the value for F (you may calculate the value of H at the time of the fall if necessary). If the value exceeds 175, laughing is acceptable.
We hope you find this information useful. Please note that it applies to almost any accident, malady, or mishap.
Our very warmest wishes,
The Ask Rasputin Team
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Rasputin Speaks: 1.20.12
Most magnificent Rasputin,
Is it ok to steal your roommate's bread, as long as you sneak it out from the middle of the loaf?
-Anonymous
Dearest Anonymous,
Yours is an age-old question first formally addressed in Sir Quincy R. Mentonbaugh's treatise on bread-related moral predicaments in the late 18th century. Although covering a range of issues (even going so far as to discuss confectionery conundrums), Sir Quincy's work of literary genius begins with a scenario similar to the one you have proffered.
Imagine, thou descendest the flagstone steps into the Comissary, and Beholdest Breads and Buns of thine Companion. But Ay! Thine own Bread Box lay most inexcusably Barren. What doest thou then? For thy want of Bread ceaseth not, and thy Companion is a Silly man, who taketh no serious consideration to his Baked Goodes! Shalt thou then not Merely remove the innards from the rolls, scrape off the bottoms of his Loaves, or lick the Toppings from his Pastries?
Sir Qunicy ultimately concludes that stealing bread (or any other baked good) is not acceptable, even if it is cleverly disguised. His work provoked a deeply philosophical and often heated debate on the thievery of breads and other foods, with especially acute disagreements on how such thievery should be disguised.
But the debate was settled and subsequently silenced in the early 1900s by Rasputin, who declared his unswerving support for Sir Quincy's conclusions. Empirical analyses performed by Ask Rasputin Correspondents throughout the years have found evidence to support the idea that other peoples' bread is not to be trifled with.
Our very best to you and to your roommate,
The Ask Rasputin Team
Is it ok to steal your roommate's bread, as long as you sneak it out from the middle of the loaf?
-Anonymous
Dearest Anonymous,
Yours is an age-old question first formally addressed in Sir Quincy R. Mentonbaugh's treatise on bread-related moral predicaments in the late 18th century. Although covering a range of issues (even going so far as to discuss confectionery conundrums), Sir Quincy's work of literary genius begins with a scenario similar to the one you have proffered.
Imagine, thou descendest the flagstone steps into the Comissary, and Beholdest Breads and Buns of thine Companion. But Ay! Thine own Bread Box lay most inexcusably Barren. What doest thou then? For thy want of Bread ceaseth not, and thy Companion is a Silly man, who taketh no serious consideration to his Baked Goodes! Shalt thou then not Merely remove the innards from the rolls, scrape off the bottoms of his Loaves, or lick the Toppings from his Pastries?
Sir Qunicy ultimately concludes that stealing bread (or any other baked good) is not acceptable, even if it is cleverly disguised. His work provoked a deeply philosophical and often heated debate on the thievery of breads and other foods, with especially acute disagreements on how such thievery should be disguised.
But the debate was settled and subsequently silenced in the early 1900s by Rasputin, who declared his unswerving support for Sir Quincy's conclusions. Empirical analyses performed by Ask Rasputin Correspondents throughout the years have found evidence to support the idea that other peoples' bread is not to be trifled with.
Our very best to you and to your roommate,
The Ask Rasputin Team
Monday, January 16, 2012
Rasputin Speaks: 1.16.12
Dearest and most illustrious Ask Rasputin correspondents,
There's a guy from my hometown who has taken me out and we hang out a lot. The problem is he's not interested in me and I'm not interested in him either. My question is what is the best way to start a relationship with this person?
-Holly Towne
Dear Ms. Towne,
We first wish to thank you for your email and the brief discussion of your intense feelings for wombats therein (excerpt available at askwomby.blogspot.com). We agree wholeheartedly with your assessment of the wombat's utility to humankind.
As per your question, it is a very interesting one. We here at Ask Rasputin have concluded that the foremost way to approach a romantic relationship with someone for whom you feel a mutually shared disinterest is to not approach a romantic relationship with said individual.
We wish you the very best of luck in not pursuing romantic relationships with your acquaintances and friends.
Kindest Regards,
The Ask Rasputin Team
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Rasputin Speaks: 1.14.12
I dreamed about Chuck Norris... Will I be alright?
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
We first wish to express our pleasure for the opportunity to answer your question by drawing from the vast stores of Rasputin's knowledge database. To answer your question, the significance of the appearance of Mr. C. Norris in your dream depends on a number of factors.
First, his actions within the dream must be considered. For your interpretive convenience, we offer several possibilities below:
1. Chuck Norris was fighting some creature much larger than himself. This is a sign of protective power to be extended over you during a time that would otherwise be very threatening.
2. Chuck Norris was punching a woman. Although this occurs commonly in reality, this dream carries neither symbolic importance nor predictive power.
3. Chuck Norris was searching for you. If you had this dream, you likely awoke before he found you. This is an ill omen, and you are advised to take extreme precaution in all future undertakings.
4. Chuck Norris was juggling. You are fortunate indeed if you have dreamed such a dream, as it carries with it significance in the form of counsel relevant to your life. Thing over the other occurrences of the dream, for it is very likely that some aspect of the night vision is paternal advice which, if followed, will allow you to live a more fulfilling life. This dream is likely to occur, so be sure to register the dream in a journal shortly after awakening for careful analysis throughout the day.
Next, you must consider the night in which you had this dream. Dreams on full moons and weekends have the inverse interpretations of those previously mentioned.
Finally, consider how you felt when you awoke. If you were extremely scared or jubilant upon awaking, this amplifies the likelihood and significance of the aforementioned interpretations. If you were merely confused, then you should expect future dreams that will elucidate your experience further.
We are confident that, overall, you will indeed "be alright."
We sincerely hope that this information drawn from the wellsprings of Rasputin-based scholarship is of use to you. If you are still anxious or would like to ensure that these dreams never recur, consider fastening a photograph of Rasputin on the ceiling above your bed.
Best Wishes,
The Ask Rasputin Team
First, his actions within the dream must be considered. For your interpretive convenience, we offer several possibilities below:
1. Chuck Norris was fighting some creature much larger than himself. This is a sign of protective power to be extended over you during a time that would otherwise be very threatening.
2. Chuck Norris was punching a woman. Although this occurs commonly in reality, this dream carries neither symbolic importance nor predictive power.
3. Chuck Norris was searching for you. If you had this dream, you likely awoke before he found you. This is an ill omen, and you are advised to take extreme precaution in all future undertakings.
4. Chuck Norris was juggling. You are fortunate indeed if you have dreamed such a dream, as it carries with it significance in the form of counsel relevant to your life. Thing over the other occurrences of the dream, for it is very likely that some aspect of the night vision is paternal advice which, if followed, will allow you to live a more fulfilling life. This dream is likely to occur, so be sure to register the dream in a journal shortly after awakening for careful analysis throughout the day.
Next, you must consider the night in which you had this dream. Dreams on full moons and weekends have the inverse interpretations of those previously mentioned.
Finally, consider how you felt when you awoke. If you were extremely scared or jubilant upon awaking, this amplifies the likelihood and significance of the aforementioned interpretations. If you were merely confused, then you should expect future dreams that will elucidate your experience further.
We are confident that, overall, you will indeed "be alright."
We sincerely hope that this information drawn from the wellsprings of Rasputin-based scholarship is of use to you. If you are still anxious or would like to ensure that these dreams never recur, consider fastening a photograph of Rasputin on the ceiling above your bed.
Best Wishes,
The Ask Rasputin Team
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Rasputin Speaks: 1.12.12
On a scale from 1 to Hate the Steeplechase, how much do you hate the steeplechase?
-Unknown
Dearest Unknown,
We write to answer your question posted as a comment on the illustrious Ask Rasputin blog site. First, we would like to point out that it is very difficult to quantify one's feelings towards the steeplechase. An emotional and quite controversial issue, the steeplechase has both captivated and angered millions of people across the world in varying economic and cultural backgrounds. To answer your question, however, the collective steeplechase hatred felt here at Ask Rasputin is, defined numerically, slightly above the national average (7) and amounts to 9.25.
We encourage you to formulate your own opinion on the steeplechase and include footage from the 2004 Olympics for your consideration.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gO0bPWpw1Ew
Regards,
The Ask Rasputin Team
-Unknown
Dearest Unknown,
We write to answer your question posted as a comment on the illustrious Ask Rasputin blog site. First, we would like to point out that it is very difficult to quantify one's feelings towards the steeplechase. An emotional and quite controversial issue, the steeplechase has both captivated and angered millions of people across the world in varying economic and cultural backgrounds. To answer your question, however, the collective steeplechase hatred felt here at Ask Rasputin is, defined numerically, slightly above the national average (7) and amounts to 9.25.
We encourage you to formulate your own opinion on the steeplechase and include footage from the 2004 Olympics for your consideration.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gO0bPWpw1Ew
Regards,
The Ask Rasputin Team
Introduction
Welcome to the Ask Rasputin Forum, the largest and most comprehensive Rasputin-based answer forum on the web. Please feel free to take advantage of Rasputin's nearly inexhaustible stores of knowledge, wisdom, and know-how. Just post your questions below or send them to askrasputin@gmail.com and they will be answered as quickly as possible.
Warmest Regards,
The Ask Rasputin Team
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5-xd0M6tRQ
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