Rasputin Speaks: 2.27.12

Most exalted Rasputin,
After I'd fallen asleep last night, my blissful slumber was interrupted at around 2am by a loud and persistent buzzing. Being half asleep, I thought it was my alarm going off, so I grabbed my phone only to see that it was an incoming call from one Noam Chomsky. I wasn't sure at the time if this was some bizarre message from my subconscious, but I didn't think about it too long, and fell back asleep almost immediately. When I woke up for good, several hours later, I rechecked my phone and saw that I really did have a missed call from Noam Chomsky at 1:58 am. How does my phone recognize the caller as Noam Chomsky since I don't have his phone number? Also, why was Mr. Chomsky calling in the middle of the night?
Thank you,
Beth C.


Dear Miss C.,

Thank you for your most intriguing question. Although rare, the Ask Rasputin Information Database reports 37 nighttime calls from Mr. Chomsky to a variety of individuals throughout the world, though most are located in the United States. Although a few aspects of the nocturnal Chomsky Calls remain a mystery even to some members of the Rasputin Team, please refer to the information below for details that will elucidate the causes and implications of your experience.

It is first necessary to establish that Noam Chomsky is as wily and enigmatic as he is prolific in his writings. His actions are thus difficult to understand, though not impossible. It will interest you to know that all telephones recognize Mr. Chomsky when he calls, even when the recipient of the call does not know him. This is true of all phones, cellular or otherwise, and is the case even when Mr. Chomsky is calling from a phone other than his own, such as one found in public or in a hotel room.  This strange, universal telephonic recognition has followed him since the age of sixteen.

Turning our attention to your more specific circumstance, we wish to note initially that no recipient of the Chomsky Call has yet understood the intent motivating his communication. Your incident included, only one recipient answered the call, but the individual was so fatigued and incoherent that she ended it shortly after answering. It is therefore impossible to determine with complete accuracy Mr. Chomsky's reasons for calling, though our research strongly suggests that his motivation for each call includes any one of the following:

1. To tell a knock knock joke. Mr. Chomsky, along with millions of others, loves the highbrow jests of the knock knock joke, and commands a staggering arsenal of over 10,000 such jokes, around 5,000 of which are originals.

2. To discuss universal grammar theory.

3. To guess the color of your pillowcase. Theorists suspect that he keeps a log with extensive information on pillowcase colors, along with a number of other variables, hidden somewhere within his living quarters.

We are confident that if you search your mind for answers, you will understand what motivated Mr. Chomsky to give you the quite singular nighttime phone call.

Our very best,

The Ask Rasputin Team

Rasputin Speaks: 2.4.12

Respected ones,
What is the best way to get the positive attention of a girl who absolutely despises me?
J.A.

Dear J.A.,
We apologize for the delay in our response. Because every relationship is unique, your question was difficult to answer without performing background research. We deployed Ask Rasputin correspondents in your area to research the case shortly after you submitted your question, and we have delayed our response to gather an adequate quantity of information. Our analysis of your life and of the woman of interest has been most informative; please note our suggestions below.

1. Feed her. For your convenience, we include a list of items that would prove most effective for gaining her positive attention.
-Steamed broccoli
-Toast
-Home-cooked hamburgers
-Small balls of lard covered in cinnamon
-Pixie Stix
-Grilled sturgeon

2. Offer her a scalp massage.
You are both very obviously scalp-oriented people and you must capitalize on this commonality. Be sure to mention scalps and your passion towards them when you speak with her. When she begins to feel more comfortable around you, both of you may more freely discuss your scalp love. Often when this happens, the conversation shifts towards a focus on the history of the scalp rub, and this is an ideal time for you to offer her a most excellent scalp massage. Be sure to perform the massage from a wooden stool in front of a grated fire while she is seated on a pillow.

3. Learn several Egyptian tongue-twisters.
This is the final step. After a pleasant meal of grilled sturgeon and steamed broccoli, and during a pleasant evening-time scalp massage, recite a few Egyptian tongue-twisters to finalize the process. Her surprise and utter content will be apparent.

We wish you the very best of luck at achieving the positive attention you most certainly deserve.
With emotion,
The Ask Rasputin Correspondents

Rasputin Speaks: 1.29.12

Most sublime Ask Rasputin correspondents,
When someone falls down on the ice is it okay to laugh or just walk away?
-Arabella


Dearest Arabella,


Thank you for your question. We are pleased to inform you that we have formulated an equation to identify exactly when laughing is appropriate when another person falls on the ice.
Please note the equation below:


L=1 if F>175, given that F = 50H + 15.2A + 20J
where
L=Laugh
F=Fallen person of interest
H= This refers to how badly hurt you presume an individual to be after falling. Input a 1 if the individual is not hurt, or a 0 if he or she is. 
A=Annoyance rank on a scale from 1-100. It is most humorous to see annoying people fall.
J=Jerkiness of the fallen on a scale from 1-100. This measure refers either to the fallen's personality or to the amount of Jamaican spices covering his or her body at the time of the fall. 


While an individual is falling through the air, input the relevant values and calculate the value for F (you may calculate the value of H at the time of the fall if necessary). If the value exceeds 175, laughing is acceptable. 


We hope you find this information useful. Please note that it applies to almost any accident, malady, or mishap. 


Our very warmest wishes,
The Ask Rasputin Team

Rasputin Speaks: 1.20.12

Most magnificent Rasputin,
Is it ok to steal your roommate's bread, as long as you sneak it out from the middle of the loaf?
-Anonymous


Dearest Anonymous,


Yours is an age-old question first formally addressed in Sir Quincy R. Mentonbaugh's treatise on bread-related moral predicaments in the late 18th century. Although covering a range of issues (even going so far as to discuss confectionery conundrums), Sir Quincy's work of literary genius begins with a scenario similar to the one you have proffered.


Imagine, thou descendest the flagstone steps into the Comissary, and Beholdest Breads and Buns of thine Companion. But Ay! Thine own Bread Box lay most inexcusably Barren. What doest thou then? For thy want of Bread ceaseth not, and thy Companion is a Silly man, who taketh no serious consideration to his Baked Goodes! Shalt thou then not Merely remove the innards from the rolls, scrape off the bottoms of his Loaves, or lick the Toppings from his Pastries? 


Sir Qunicy ultimately concludes that stealing bread (or any other baked good) is not acceptable, even if it is cleverly disguised. His work provoked a deeply philosophical and often heated debate on the thievery of breads and other foods, with especially acute disagreements on how such thievery should be disguised. 


But the debate was settled and subsequently silenced in the early 1900s by Rasputin, who declared his unswerving support for Sir Quincy's conclusions. Empirical analyses performed by Ask Rasputin Correspondents throughout the years have found evidence to support the idea that other peoples' bread is not to be trifled with. 


Our very best to you and to your roommate,


The Ask Rasputin Team 

Rasputin Speaks: 1.16.12

Dearest and most illustrious Ask Rasputin correspondents,

There's a guy from my hometown who has taken me out and we hang out a lot. The problem is he's not interested in me and I'm not interested in him either. My question is what is the best way to start a relationship with this person?

-Holly Towne

Dear Ms. Towne,

We first wish to thank you for your email and the brief discussion of your intense feelings for wombats therein (excerpt available at askwomby.blogspot.com). We agree wholeheartedly with your assessment of the wombat's utility to humankind. 

As per your question, it is a very interesting one. We here at Ask Rasputin have concluded that the foremost way to approach a romantic relationship with someone for whom you feel a mutually shared disinterest is to not approach a romantic relationship with said individual.

We wish you the very best of luck in not pursuing romantic relationships with your acquaintances and friends.

Kindest Regards,

The Ask Rasputin Team

Rasputin Speaks: 1.14.12

I dreamed about Chuck Norris... Will I be alright?
-Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

We first wish to express our pleasure for the opportunity to answer your question by drawing from the vast  stores of Rasputin's knowledge database. To answer your question, the significance of the appearance of Mr. C. Norris in your dream depends on a number of factors.


First, his actions within the dream must be considered. For your interpretive convenience, we offer several possibilities below:
1. Chuck Norris was fighting some creature much larger than himself. This is a sign of protective power to be extended over you during a time that would otherwise be very threatening.
2. Chuck Norris was punching a woman. Although this occurs commonly in reality, this dream carries neither symbolic importance nor predictive power.
3. Chuck Norris was searching for you. If you had this dream, you likely awoke before he found you. This is an ill omen, and you are advised to take extreme precaution in all future undertakings.
4. Chuck Norris was juggling. You are fortunate indeed if you have dreamed such a dream, as it carries with it significance in the form of counsel relevant to your life. Thing over the other occurrences of the dream, for it is very likely that some aspect of the night vision is paternal advice which, if followed, will allow you to live a more fulfilling life. This dream is likely to occur, so be sure to register the dream in a journal shortly after awakening for careful analysis throughout the day.


Next, you must consider the night in which you had this dream. Dreams on full moons and weekends have the inverse interpretations of those previously mentioned.


Finally, consider how you felt when you awoke. If you were extremely scared or jubilant upon awaking, this amplifies the likelihood and significance of the aforementioned interpretations. If you were merely confused, then you should expect future dreams that will elucidate your experience further.


We are confident that, overall, you will indeed "be alright."


We sincerely hope that this information drawn from the wellsprings of Rasputin-based scholarship is of use to you. If you are still anxious or would like to ensure that these dreams never recur, consider fastening a photograph of Rasputin on the ceiling above your bed.


Best Wishes,
The Ask Rasputin Team

Rasputin Speaks: 1.12.12

On a scale from 1 to Hate the Steeplechase, how much do you hate the steeplechase? 
-Unknown


Dearest Unknown,
We write to answer your question posted as a comment on the illustrious Ask Rasputin blog site. First, we would like to point out that it is very difficult to quantify one's feelings towards the steeplechase. An emotional and quite controversial issue, the steeplechase has both captivated and angered millions of people across the world in varying economic and cultural backgrounds. To answer your question, however, the collective steeplechase hatred felt here at Ask Rasputin is, defined numerically, slightly above the national average (7) and amounts to 9.25.


We encourage you to formulate your own opinion on the steeplechase and include footage from the 2004 Olympics for your consideration.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gO0bPWpw1Ew


Regards,
The Ask Rasputin Team